You.

每一年，不同的人。

有时我会就得自己很贱。可是我不是故意去爱上人家的。

这一位，和他之间的一切，比任何事情还复杂。我不知道我还能忍多久。我很想就一直这样下去。可是还是会不甘心。对。就是不甘心凭什么我爱的比他多。

明明最开始的时候，是他来引诱我，让我掉进那个明知道是没走结果的路。当我发现时，还是心甘情愿地掉进去。

到现在。我爱他。好爱他。我想和他过日子。他却想和我过时间。总觉得很不公平。明明说好的，别那么在意了，别那么爱了，我还是做不到。事情发生一个月多了，却是越来越爱。

我好想改。能不能。从今天起，就让我好好的爱我自己吧。我好累。好累。

Idk

I want somebody that can accompany me when I need a person.
I want somebody that can be by my side when I need him.
I want somebody that I can say "I miss you" to without feeling any uncomfy
I want somebody that I can say whatever to, request whatever to without hesitation.

I don't want to have to think and think before asking for something
I don't wanna have the feeling of getting afraid of being said no to
I don't wanna think carefully before I speak
I don't wanna choose what to say
I don't want all these

I just want somebody that wants me equally much as I want him.
Is that hard?
I just want somebody that truly want me, that will think of me, that will wanna spend time with me, without I ask so
Im letting myself too available for you.
Who are you to me anyway?
Who am I to you? A friend. Something more than a friend is still a friend.
You won't care if I'm gone. Oh no. You'll care, but you'll only realise after im gone. Because, you've never thought that I'll really leave. Right?
Impossible I'll leave, because I like you so much right?
Do you know how much im suffering? I cant say so many stuff, I cant ask so many stuff. Im not me anymore. I have to rephrase my sentences, so it wont look like I care so much, I have to delete and retype, so it wont look like im mad.
Then, who am I now?

Am I happy? Yeaaa when im with you. But whenever im not, im sad. And, the moment im not with you, is more than the moment im with you.
So that's it, I guess. Really should put an end to it. Stop hoping.

丑陋

这是我谈过最自私的恋爱。
在想着另外一个人，另外一种生活的时候，我竟然还期望他等我。
那，我到底想要他等我多久？
一个月？一年？十年？一辈子？
我一直都懂，我，过分了。
他，一直以来都让着我，宠着我，所以我得寸进尺了。
以为，他会等我，会一直等我。
以为，他需要我，会很需要我。
是。他等，等我做决定。
对。他需要，需要我。
但是，他有他自己的人生，他等不了那么久，他也是人，他会心痛，会受伤，会哭。
他需要我，但当我抛弃他时，他能做什么？我又能期待什么？
不觉得那太过分了吗？？
我爱他，但他更爱我。
如果我选择离开，那意味着，我已经有他会离开我的生活的认知。那意味着，我要抛开我们的一切，把他完完全全地，抽出我的人生。
撇开他等不等我，那结果，是我要的吗？
拿他与我要的生活相比，哪个是我真正想要的？
时间，不等了。
我，还有20天。
就只有20天。